Sick leave

2.35am.
Right this minute, I am hating my work.
And I hate myself because I know I am at fault.
I love my work, but its joys left me a long time ago, when I realized I am not working for myself anymore, but for my family, too. Which is a burden, especially if there is always pressure to earn money for bills I have taken upon myself to pay for.

Does this always happen to families? When you feel that you have given enough, and still feel that you haven't given enough to compensate for the sacrifices they've made for you? Or, more importantly, are you really obliged to 'repay' what others have freely given to you?

I am afraid to quit my work because:
1. I know we'll all end up in debtsville after I quit.
2. I am afraid of being dependent on my family again, at least financially.
3. I am going to miss the stress, excitement, and reprimands of my bosses.
4. Work has been part of my system. Why take it away?
5. Earning money makes you dream dreams you never thought would become possible.

I'm contradicting myself. I want to quit, but I won't.
I hate my work, but I hate myself more because I know that I shouldn't hate my work.
It's early morning, and I'm going through a 'phase' again (to quote miss rye). When the sun shines, you need to remind me that I just ranted, because I often forget I was NOT fine a few hours before.

OK, back to work.
Good morning.

Just a thought: Did I just say, "I love my work, but its joys left me a long time ago...."? Can love exist without joy? Hmmmm...

I'm missing....

Eraserheads, for their wonderful, Beatles-like-pero-really-Pinoy music (listening to 'Ang Huling El Bimbo' still gives me goosebumps);

Eng'g pips, where most guys are guys and almost evey gal is a gal and not somewhere in between;

Econ CR, dahil malinis at di matao (di tulad sa CMC na bago pa lang e bulok-bulok na);

Arlene, ang pinaka-nice at -pasensyosang kaibigan. Kachokaran ko sa pag-stalk ng mga boylets once upon a time when we were still young. Ang taong may talent matisod every 10 seconds sa kahit anong lugar sa UP;

Jonah, sa kanyang walang katapusang tawa (tumigil na lahat pwera lang siya);

Jocel, and our adventure trips in Ateneo and UP gyms, stalking basketball players, asking for their signatures. Ang taong laging nakasimangot kahit masaya;

someone I used to dream about, ano kaya nangyari kung naging tayo? Kinikilig ka pa rin ba kapag nakikita mo 'ko? Kasi ako, oo....

Math Building, NIP, NIGS, for the long walks I had with my blockmates. For the secrets shared while reviewing for a Math exam. For the chance encounters with former classmates at NIGS. For the 100+ people I get to see attending my Physics class everyday. For the frustrations as I looked at class standing results. For the endless hours spent waiting for the prof who would (hopefully) redeem me from the shit I put myself in. For the happy feelings felt knowing I'm no longer going to experience the torture of taking a Math courses. For passing these buildings during Ikot and Toki rides, with me thinking, "buti na lang I got out of this shithole in time..." (hehe);

Kainan sa KNL, where our block had bonding sessions over 30+ lunch meals (with unlimited rice). Secrets shared. Secrets revealed. Cybs & Berns tuksuhan. Berns nakatapak ng tae. Kadiri. Bringing our Form 5s, exhanging schedules.

Balara, for the unforgettable Talent's Night when we were still Eng'gSoc applicants. The dressing room with the 'manila paper curtains.' Frustrated feelings behind the happy smiles and laughter. Me shifting out of Eng'g the next year after being accepted as an ES member.

ES batchmates, people who made me feel belonged at Eng'g. Hmmm.... interesting pala Eng'g. Hehe.

Nad, my HS friend who used to visit me at home. Nangungulit. Wala lang. Sobrang yabang pero masaya kasama. Minsan barbero, pero tolerable naman pagiging barbero. Appreciates me for what I am. Saan ka na ba ngayon?

My thinner self, circa 1999-2002, I never appreciated myself before. Kala ko ang taba-taba ko noon. Now I'm beginning to see how I was thinner 2-3 years ago. Hay.

Rey, ang lalaking kinalokohan ng karamihan sa block namin noon. Galing-galing sa Math. Crush ko 'to, as in. Kaso in-love sa iba. Nice pa rin naman. Saw him last August, mejo tumaba (tulad ko). Maliit pa rin (tulad ko). And i bet he's still in love with the same girl.

Rose, ex-friend turned enemy. Pero I miss her company. Tibak. Maraming issues sa buhay. Hopelessly in love with Chix. I miss her and her smoking. Sigh.

Neoprint, kung saan nagiging distorted ang aming mga mukha. Pics with friends, documenting times when we were still carefree and not busy with other priorities in life.

EK, last day-out with my blockmates. I was then shifting to CMC, Lurds had shifted to BA, Jonah and R-lin to IE, and C-lin, Katfaj, Jocel, and Char to MatE. Last day-out with Alex, C-lin's ex, who was really nice to us but turned out to be gay (shocking). After that day, we never met again as a group, much less see each other constantly anymore.

Mania

Thesis
Ano pa nga ba? For 3 weeks straight, wala na akong bukambibig kundi, "musta thesis nyo?" or, "nasa analysis na ba kayo? kami nasa data gathering pa lang e..." Gaya nga ng sabi ni jeg, nakalimutan ko na rin kung ano itsura ng TV. Di ko na alam ang mga usong kanta sa radyo, maliban sa "basketbol" (?) ng hotbabes na laging pinapatugtog sa mga Japayuki bus (yes, Jeg, Gwyn, and Mel, JAPAYUKI bus and tawag sa mga 'yun, hehe) na sinasakyan ko. Mga dyaryong binabasa ko, one day old na, parang balut. Ang latest issue na alam ko e 'yung tungkol lang sa MMDA at book tax. Di ko na rin alam kung ano na nangyayari sa bahay, kung may damit na ba sa prom mga sis ko o wala pa. Nami-miss ko na rin luto ni Mama, although mas masarap pa rin magluto si Manang Norms dito sa boarding haus (wink wink). At eto pa...wala na kaming picture-an moments ng CROI and CRes pips! Waaaaahhhh! Imagine, january pa ang last entry ko sa aking album...so sad....

Pastillas
Sabi ko na nga e, agenda ng CMC canteen na patabain at palalain ang adiksyon ko. Matapos kong ma-adik sa kanilang mala-pyramid nilang yema, heto at naloloka na kami ni jeg sa mala- Nido (yes, Nido, as in yung gatas) na lasa ng kanilang Pastillas. Take note, di pangkaraniwan ang pastillas na ito: para siyang barquillos sa taba at laki, mas mahal pa ata sa barquillos (Php 6 kada isa!), at higit sa lahat, madaling maubos. Kaya ubos din pera ko sa pastillas lamang. Hay.

Books!
Yes, with an (!). It is an understatement if you say that I love books: I breathe, eat, live, fart, and excrete books. Especially novels by T. C. Boyle, J. C. Oates, Stephen King, and other short lit reads. I also dig sociology and psych books, kahit ano topic. Maloka na'ko sa thesis, di ko pa rin nalilimutang bumili ng books kahit saan.... yesterday nga, I bought "The Bell Curve" sa Diplomat sa may P. Tuazon sa Proj. 4 while looking for an informant's house, imagine. My other recent book finds are:

The Little Friend by Donna Tartt- Php 245
The Road to Wellville by T. C. Boyle- 120
I'll take you there by J. C. Oates- 180
The Bell Curve by Herrnstein & Murray- 150
Sigmund Freud collected papers- tumataginting na 45!!!
Tattooed Girl by J. C. Oates- 180

Nauubos agad baon ko kabibili ng mga books na yan.... pero ano magagawa ko??? I'm hopelessly attached to National Bookstore, Powerbooks, second-hand bookstores, saan man ako pumunta...hence, lagi akong napapabili ng mga librong hanggang ngayon ay di ko pa rin nababasa dahil sa panggulong acads na 'yan... (hehe).

Shopping & slimming
Ah, related itong dalawang ito, kasi everytime I shop for clothes on sale, lagi na lang akong nafru-frustrate dahil nga sobrang dami kong tABS. Yes, tABS, as in six-pack-like na taba, hehe. Kaya after kong bumili na naman ng damit, lagi kong sasabihin sa sarili ko, "o sige, magpapapayat na talaga ako. promise." Tapos, kinabukasan, pag nasa CMC uli ako, bibili na naman ako ng pastillas, tapos kakain ng paborito kong Mr Chips with coke sa film center habang nanonood ng Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. So much for my promise.
(Footnote: Pero promise namin ni Meler na after the passing of our first draft, magja-jogging kami sa acad oval starting feb14. O dava, bongga, pagtakbo bilang protesta sa komersalisasyon ng V-day!!!)

Lovelife
Tigang. Di na dapat pinag-uusapan ito, maliban nga lang kapag nagse-senti si Rye, o di kaya starry-eyed na nagkwekwento si jeg about rib, o di kaya ay mala-telenovela na naman ang buhay ni gwyn. Ok lang, di pa naman umaabot sa point na magiging issue sa'kin ang love. Wala lang, nabanggit ko lang kasi feeling ko imperative na banggitin ko ang love, baka isipin ng iba diyan e 'heartless' ako.

Money
Major problem ito. It seems I'm running out of money all the time. Pagkabigay ng baon, ubos agad. Ewan ba. Kaya eto, kailangan ko na uli kumayod para mabawi ko naman yung mga gastos ko starting 2005. Hay.

OK na yan. Next time na lang uli iba pang kwento. Marami pa'ko kwento about our thesis, pero siguro after feb.14 na lang. In the meantime, maglalaba muna ako, tambak na labahan ko e. (Naku, naubusan na rin ata ako ng sabon & downey....)

The Maniac